unbroken-fire:

My satellite just cut out ten minutes before the end of the Doctor Who finale

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do not want.

My satellite just cut out ten minutes before the end of the Doctor Who finale

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roll two d20s to see just how dead you are.

Vampirism as an Economic Strategy

With the recent economic difficulties, people have been searching for increasingly innovative methods to improve their financial situation. Legions of Americans have turned to buying products in bulk and growing their own produce. Some thrifty bloggers even suggest using cheap exercise balls in lieu of chairs or dating just so that your significant other will provide you with free food! What the public fails to realize is that there is a much more effortless and effective way to become rich. Why should they resort to scrabbling for quarters on the sidewalk when they can gain ridiculous wealth simply by becoming vampires?

Acknowledged, vampirism does have a bad reputation, but this is predominately the result of pop-culture induced ignorance. Does your average rational adult really believe that there exists a species of creature that survives by drinking only human blood? Not nearly enough drained bodies are found worldwide to support a vampire population of any significant size and, regardless, it is ludicrous to believe that the vampire species evolved to prey solely on the one creature best adapted for retaliation. Moreover, there exists no innate biological reason that homo sapien sapien blood could serve as sustenance but that of nonsentient animals could not. These and other myths are simply the result of a frightened and misinformed public. In fact, vampirism has many positive qualities.

It is universally known that vampires are extremely intelligent. They have enormous memories and the capacity for extensive parallel processing – a feat which mere humans can only dream of. This alone opens up a host of lucrative career options in the medical or scientific fields that would require a human most of their lifetime to master. Moreover, a vampire has a nearly infinite lifespan, allowing him to achieve high specialization in his chosen field, and no need for sleep, allowing him to work extremely long hours until he has accumulated enough funds to retire for the next century or so.

The more creative portion of the vampire population may be able to find even more innovative ways of making money. For example, a vampire may be able to use his vast accumulated knowledge and heightened perception to make millions on a game show designed to be unwinnable. Undead sports fans can turn their dreams of leading their favorite teams to victory into reality. This is one situation in which the vampire can use the general refusal of society to admit the existence of his condition to his advantage. There can be no discriminatory laws against vampire teams competing against ordinary humans if the undead do not legally exist.

If a vampire happens to be one of those graced with a special skill, the money making possibilities are endless. An actor who can transform into a bat will be able to save thousands on special effects. A thief who can dissolve into mist will be able to sneak into the securest of facilities. A gambler who can predict the future will simply be very, very rich. Enduring the negative stigma surrounding the vampire race is clearly worth it if you are one of the “talented” undead.

Vampiric qualities not only provide the potential to earn money, but they also preclude many common living expenses. The average American spends over $6,000 a year on food. The average vampire living near moderately productive hunting grounds spends absolutely nothing. Moreover, vampires have no need to pay for common human amenities, such as bathrooms or indoor heating. They never get sick or injured, so their medical bills are nonexistent. They even possess their own innate perfume.

As if these advantages weren’t enough to convince any properly informed person, vampirism has even more benefits. As a vampire you will be irresistibly attractive to the opposite sex, providing an invaluable boost to your social life, and will live forever, giving you an eternity to enjoy your wealth and series of romantic flings. You will be impossibly strong and powerful, allowing you to defend your wealth and romantic interests from anyone who tries to seize them by force. Also, you will be incredibly intelligent, allowing you to finally achieve your dream of becoming a national spelling bee champion.

As a vampire, you can of course expect a few minor inconveniences. For example, you will be unable to venture out into direct sunlight, at the risk of incinerating, or to get a job as a carpenter, at the risk of being impaled by a stake-like object. You will also have to suffer through watching all of your friends and family slowly degenerate and die while you remain in your eternally youthful state. However, these are clearly small prices to pay for accumulating inordinate amounts of wealth.

Rates of vampirism are increasing exponentially worldwide, and leading experts predict that more than ten percent of the present human population will have converted by 2050. This is a reassuring sign that the historically irrational and impulsive human race is finally seeing reason. Humans have logically weighed the costs and benefits of this dramatic lifestyle change and have made the decision to enhance their wealth, longevity, and happiness. Moreover, with this dramatically increasing vampiric population, the world cannot long continue to deny the existence of the undead. Soon vampires will have their own legal rights and be fully accepted members of society. I urge you to become one of the happy minority of rich, powerful, and envied people that vampires will soon become.

(Source: mypetezawentz, via crashingdownonsugarglass)

Why am I happy with all the things I make, but ashamed of why I make them?

Warnings for violence, general disturbingness and insanity(?)

Now you can’t resist.

Momentum is everything. Cut the brake lines. Careen wildly and unsteadily toward your goal. I hate to bludgeon you about the head and neck with a hammer forged in the volcanic fires of Mount Obvious, but the only way you can finish something is by not stopping. That story isn’t going to unfuck itself.